Justified

PART ONE

I clutched my blanket tight to myself, having raised it to my chin. My eyes were wide open despite it being the time when the witches go for their meetings. I was bubbling with anxiety and fear. I closed my eyes and my little sister came to mind. All I had to do to get through this was just to remember that I was making all these sacrifices for Uju.

“You either stop being an idiot and let me have it, or I go and take it forcefully from Uju…” I shivered and opened my eyes, tears rolling down. I had no doubt that he would make do on his threat. He was a beast. How long this was going to continue, I didn’t know. I heard movement outside my door, and I curled myself into a ball. I tried to get my breathing under control. Failing miserably. And just as I had been expecting, my door creaked open, and my stepfather popped his head into my room. The moonlight coming through my window caught his face and the sinister smile that he had on his face and the brown, cigarette-destroyed, crooked structure that was his teeth. I held my breath as a reflex. He had such bad breath. He crept into my room, and I noticed the dirty rag in one hand and a belt in the other. I moved up on the bed and shook my head. He held his finger to his mouth, signaling me to be quiet.

Why didn’t I just scream? Well, he had made it clear that even if I screamed till my lungs gave out, help wasn’t coming.

“Your mother sleeps like a dead woman, you better save your voice. No one is coming to help you.” And then he would chuckle like the deranged man that he was.

Without much ado, he stuffed my mouth with a rag and spread my legs, forcing them apart. I fought when he began tying my hands with the belt, he always seemed to enjoy the struggle so I stopped. I closed my eyes and willed my body to cushion the pain of his penetration and constant thrusting. I forced my body to relax, and endure the pain, while I forced my mind to travel to places where I wanted to be. I pictured my father, and I thought about what he would have done if he were alive. One thing was certain, this man would be dead. He has always been overprotective of us.

My stepfather grunted in my ear as he finished, I felt his seed spill inside me, and I couldn’t hold back the tears that escaped my eyes. He got off me, and I immediately rolled myself into a ball. Sobbing quietly. He dropped the post-pill on my bed beside me. He never failed to do that.

“You were wonderful today, darling.” I remained silent. I just wanted him to leave. But the last time I had asked him to leave my room, he had told my mother that he found me making out with some boys in my room, and without hearing my side of the story, she had proceeded to flog me with a belt till I almost passed out, and had then locked me up in my room, and deprived me of food, and water for three days. All the while shouting that she would not let me disgrace her, and make her the laughing stock of the community, and the church. That was more important to her than the welfare of her children.

“Make sure you take those drugs ooo” I remained silent. “Did you hear me?” I kept mute. I barely saw his hand lift before it landed on my face, forcing me to see stars.

“I said…make sure you take the drugs.” He seethed. I nodded my head. “Words!”

“Yes sir…” I responded timidly. He smiled at me.

“Good girl.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on my cheek. “I love you.” I held my tongue. This was routine almost every night.

“I said…I love you…” I finally found my tongue, as well as my courage.

“If you love me, you wouldn’t be doing this to me…” He smiled. And ran his hands through my hair.

“I love you, that is why I am doing this to you.” I just wished that I could wipe that smile from his face. “Now, I love you.” The smile had vanished from his face, and his hand had fisted my hair, tugging at the roots. I winced from the pain.

“I love you too.” The smile returned to his face.

“That’s my girl.”

I waited till he walked out of my room, and then I let the tears flow. I had to remind myself that I was doing this for Uju. I didn’t want him to do to her what he was doing to me.

I popped the pill into my mouth, the only thing that could be worse than my current predicament was getting pregnant with his baby. God forbid that the seed of the monster took root in my womb.

I was just 20. I do not deserve this.