The Marriage, The Church And The Family.

It’s no doubt that the family plays a very important role in the marriages of their children. 

It cannot be separated. 

Especially in a country like Nigeria, where the approval of the parents must be sought before anything else can be done. It is tradition, it is what makes us Nigerians. 

But, is it necessary and does it have any impact in the marriage? 

A lot of people would argue that the extended family doesn’t have that much influence on the success of a marriage, and most would cite western countries as examples. And they would be right to an extent, but when dealing with situations like this, it is important to note that Nigeria is not the west, we are Africans, and when it comes to culture, we are worlds apart. Viewing this from a Nigerian point of view, I would say that yes, the extended family has a huge role to play in the success of a marriage. 

 How?

The first thing is that they influence the marriage good or bad, through meddling. It is in the nature of Nigerians to meddle, especially family members. Sometimes, it is done in good faith but ends up doing more harm than good. Every side of the marriage is looking out for their daughter or their son and tend to give advice that would cause or create friction in the marriage. Everyone has an idea of how things should be done, or how they did it in their own marriages and want their son/ daughter to do the same. 

Secondly, when the marriage in in crisis and external help is needed, we cannot deny that family plays a huge role in resolving the crisis, finding that middle ground and calling their child to order. 

In Igbo tribe, calling the family of their spouse and reporting them has seen to the long life of many marriages. They are immediately summoned, and the power that Nigerian parents have over their kids is something the west cannot boast of. The matter is addressed and reasonable conclusions are made, and the two are sent back to their home in peace. 

True, one party might not be okay with what was decided, but isn’t that what compromise is about? Adjusting your decisions to accommodate that of your partner and forging ahead? 

Some people are just too stubborn to compromise, not because what is agreed is unreasonable but because it must be done your way or not at all and like I said earlier, the power that Nigerian parents have over their children is not something that the west can boast of, and they have that power even over the stubborn ones. If a Nigerian parent cannot call their child to order, then that child is a lost cause. 

But, there are two ways to everything. That power is only held by the parents and extended family on the basis of respect and love. That power is given from years of sacrifice, discipline and proper parenting. Everyone has that someone that we will bend backwards for, and sometimes it is not our parents. 

Some parents are abusive, maybe not to the kids but to themselves. In a family where the father hits the mother and the mother calls him names, I highly doubt that the parents have that respect from their children. Now, in situations like this, where the parents are not proper examples, can the church take the place of family? Assuming of course, that both parties are Christians. 

Throughout the centuries, the church has stood as a beacon of hope and love, but in recent times, the objective of the church has shifted to more material things, and that has not gone unnoticed by the general public. I, for one, would never take my case to a pastor. One, anonymity is not guaranteed in the church, like I said earlier, the church has moved to be more material minded, and soon you’ll find that your name is on the lips of the gossiping youth choir who go home to tell their mothers and their fathers and then a very serious and sensitive matter has been made public. 

 In a situation where only one party attends the church and you take your marital problems to your pastor, there is a very high chance that the advice that would be given to you would be biased. He/ she would cling to his idea of the person, giving the advice on who he/she knows you to be instead of seeing the situation from both sides. Don’t get me wrong, some pastors have done very amazing jobs in marriage counselling, but with the current reputation of churches, I would not take my problems to my pastor. 

What do you think? Is the family a stronger institution than the church? 

P.S: I always want to hear your views and opinions.